No 3. On stopping the habit of saying "I don't know"
Aries season is closing and they might not have indecisiveness in their bones, but saying "i don't know" is a deeper thing for me. Apologies for the click bait.
A few years ago, I sat down with a psychic in India. She does everything somehow all at once. She views the world in terms of frequencies - numerology meets astrology meets all that is invisible. Sitting in front of her, she (kindly!) reads you like a book to the point where I wondered if she could read my thoughts. We’ve since developed a friendship over the years outside of our sessions and she turns off her antenna to hang out but when she is on she is tuned in. For her, she is just reading what is put in front of her - like a book flipping open to a random page. Her tone is flat, direct, and honest.
Our first session, I met at her home office feeling curious, but skeptical. I’ve seen a lot of different healing practitioners, astrologers, and readers over the years. Growing up, my mother had a strong sensitivity to things. Somehow, I got some of those genes passed down and when my spidey senses tingle they tingle.
I came into her office and was greeted by her three sweet dogs lounging on two sofas. She put a cup of tea in front of me and I started to get some goosebumps. We started to chat casually, but a few minutes into our session she pivoted the conversation abruptly.
“Sorry” she said, interrupting our chat about being in New Delhi. “There is someone around you” she said flatly. “A masculine presence from your paternal side who is watching out for you. But…” she paused.
I got chills down my arm and knew who she was talking about.
She continued “But they’re frustrated. You keep listening to people and saying that you don’t know when you really do know."
I knew exactly what she was talking about.
For over a decade, I have had this nasty habit of ending my sentences with “I don’t know.” I could blame my indecisiveness on being a Libra, but it’s deeper than that. I have used the “I don’t know” phrase to make others comfortable, make space for other people’s opinions, and put choice on others because I was so exhausted at figuring it out. It was a bundle of feeling small, tired, and not knowing how to assert myself in a culture that values the “expert” and individualistic confidence.
What do you want to eat for dinner? I don’t know. What do you want to do on saturday? I don’t know. What do you want to watch tonight? I don’ f*king know.
But - deep down there are many things we do know. I’ve been learning to remind myself of my own knowing and it has snowballed into a decision making confidence that is a very new feeling.
When she shared what my very frustrated guardian was trying to tell me, I immediately saw myself sitting in work meetings and back in college.
Before I went to college, I was my version of Aries energy - spicy, communicative, and opinionated.
I went public high school in New Jersey in a town that sat between a massive community of multi generation Italian families and the newer residents who were along the train line to New York City running hedge funds or having their own. It was a juxtaposition between very wealthy kids who were driving daddy’s Range Rover on a learners permit and more socio economically normal families who ran the local bagel and pizza shops (actually those guys ended up making such a $$$).
I was the alternative kid taking the train into the city go sneak my way into music shows in Williamsburg that were 18+. My mom was a single mom and we lived at home with my Grandmother. I was in a no mans land with my classmates. When all the other girls at my elementary school graduation were talking about which Lily Pulitzer skirt or dress they were going to get, my mom and I were hunting around goodwill and Walmart for something different and unique cause there was no way she was paying $300 for a neon skirt for a 11 year old.
I realized that I was never going to fit in cause my life was not like theirs — so I tried to stand out.
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Visually, I made my clothes and lived a maximialist vintage closet that ended up with my getting voted Best Dressed in high school (definitely cherry on top). My mom and I lived an unconventional life. Like my Sophomore year, cause I had a great guidance counselor that supported me and my mom so I could live in France with family that later turned into a wild turn of events where we lived in Wadi Rum in Jordan with a bedouin family where I fell in love and had my first kiss (another story for another day). I was weird and it continued. I gave up getting driving lessons and put that towards a ticket to go live in Malawi.
Then, I took a gap year when everyone decided to go to college. I lived in Nepal and India for over 8 months then traveled Indonesia, Laos and Thailand.
I felt like I knew things about the world.
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By the time I landed at NYU, I was a year older and honestly felt a lot wiser than my fellow freshers. I lived off campus in a tiny apartment on Sullivan Street. I had a serious boyfriend at the time and wasn’t into binge drinking on St. Marks (at least not multiple times a week like other friends lol). I did have my fair share sophomore year with bottle service with club promoters and got it out of my system. But that first year, I felt like an adult just doing college cause it was the next step.
I walked into my first year of classes and I had the energy of “I know.”
Maybe it cause I’m neurodivergent or maybe it’s just the process of having a good education, but I quickly realized that “I don’t know” much about the world.
My professors opened me to great minds that saw the world then ripped apart its complexities and examined each thread from political, social, economic, racial, and gender perspectives.
I quickly started to see that everything I knew or thought I knew was in some way attributed to something else. Quickly, I realized that the world was built on people dedicating their lives to fully understanding the nuances and niches of existence. But the consequence of respecting the complexities of the world is that I felt like I didn’t have a place to speak from. I felt all the “I knows” dissolved underneath me. Honestly, it became a bit existential.
How could I ever know anything when there is someone else out there an expert in that one thing?
“I don’t know.”
It became a quip at the end of my sentence. I would share my thoughts on something in a group situation, even professional, and then immediately cut it to pieces with a quicker “but I don’t know” and a shrug of the shoulders. Does this also sound like you?
Since 2011, “I don’t know” has been following me everywhere and wrapped up in my exhaustion of living as an adult.
Living in the US is like living in a new version of pundit hell. Everyone has an opinion and is angling to demonstrate they’re an expert. Maybe it’s just narcissism, I don’t know (this one I really don’t know haha).
It can feel like everyone else knows and maybe you’re the only one who doesn’t.
But, when I had that moment with the psychic I made a promise to stop cause now I felt like someone was watching. My people pleasing habits were ending but I’m okay with keeping my spirit pleasing habits.
Last week, we talked about a full body yes and asserting ourselves into the world with a vibe.
But this week, I want to open up a way that I’ve been navigating what I don’t know and speaking from confidence / making decisions— speaking from our values.
I have realized that “I don’t know” was stemming from 3 things.
I wasn’t honoring my big brain energy.
I was adding “I don’t know” to accommodate the idea that someone else was smarter and more valuable than me. The “I don’t know” was me trying so hard to make space for other people that I wasn’t owning my own space in a conversation. I would come up with creative or different way of thinking and just because I didn’t know how it would be received - I added “I don’t know.” That’s what this spirit was frustrated by. I knew what needed to be shared and wouldn’t honor that opinion and big brain thought cause I didn’t think it would be valued.
I was afraid of being wrong.
Being neurodivergent, I have this terrible thing called rejection sensitive dysphoria where rejection or even seeming rejection can feel crushing. I sometimes was adding “I don’t know” cause I didn’t have the energy to defend it or didn’t want to invite an argument. Honestly, making content on the internet has thickened up that dysphoria, but I was afraid of having an opinion because what if it wasn’t the right one? I wasn’t honoring my own values.
I was in chronic burnout.
Many of us are burning the candle on both ends just to make it through and we don’t see how perfectionism, people pleasing, ambition, self-optimisation, and adulting all mix together into this whirlpool of exhaustion that spits us out in burnout. It’s easier to just say “I don’t know” because we honestly don’t have any more brain cells to “know.” Burnout isn’t just a moment of being tired, it’s hitting the floor and not knowing who you are when you stand up. Any decision - big and small is met with “I don’t know.”
So I labeled this post as “Stop saying ‘I don’t know’” to be a little click baity so that we’d get here.
At our core, we do know. What we know is valuable and we know some deep things.
This is merely a suggestion. You are welcome to say you don’t know forever and ever, but this is what has been a part of my process. Instead of saying “I don’t know” I build my response out of values.
I’m trying to use my core values to guide how I think about decisions. Trying to align even the little things to the things that I know so deeply in myself that are unmovable.
Typical question: What do you want to watch tonight?
Me: Let’s throw on an episode of Scandal.
Behind the scenes I start with values: I don’t value murder and violence and spiking my cortisol more than it already is so let’s rule out anything super dark and intense right now. But I do value voice and democracy and I’ve been feeling really frustrated with everything going on so let’s get some Olivia Pope energy over here.
It also works for random silent decisions:
Silent question in Target cause you need new underwear and are faced with a massive wall of options (but I’m almost sold on my holy grail undies so I got you a rec there coming up): Which do you pick?
Me: I’m not looking to impress anyone right now and underwear is a utilitarian choice and I value things that are good for my hormones and I know that cotton is breathable so let me get this basic pack of cotton hanes in one color. I value easy decisions right now and breathable options for downstairs. I don’t need to get overwhelmed right now so lets go with what’s simple.
See, actually we do know it’s just about finding little ways to discover it within ourselves. I’ve realized that saying “I don’t know” to so much was a weight that made me feel like I was moving slowly through my life. Taking in everyone else’s opinions to just assertain my own, when in reality even some guardian spirit wanted to remind me that “I know.” We all know, we just have to dig past all the layer of dirt in life to discover it.
One author I think about a lot of Viktor Frankl who writes a lot about finding meaning in life. (I’ll make another post just about him soon cause I am still hoping to do a smaller blog just on existentialism.) Viktor Frankl argues that meaning is “discovered not invented” and I believe our knowing is the same. Thinking about my core unshakable values are what makes me - me and are what is helping me discover my knowing in everyday life.
We have values of curiosity which allow us to learn and be open to knowing more about the world -so we can respect all the specialities and complexities of people who have dedicated their lives to understanding. But, the deep knowing of confidence that helps us navigate - I feel like it stems from what makes us US - our values.
I still catch myself saying “I don’t know” as a reflex in some situations. It might be a lifelong battle to own my inner knowing, but I’m working through it in the little decisions of daily life. Gradually, it is making its way to the big ones.
Thanks for reading and I promise to do a recap of holy grail selections. But I want to ask if this resonates with anyone else. Do you catch yourself saying "I don’t know”? What’s your relationship like with your “knowing”?
And any requests for post in the future! I’m thinking of adding in a mid week share of things swirling around: books i’m reading, articles worth taking a look, things in my shopping cart, things I’m trying - what do you think?
xx Bailey
I think my phrase ender is “does that make sense”. It is more a need for validation that my idea has value or is reasonable… I had a period of always feeling like I had to know the answer. So for me I had to find some freedom is saying “I don’t know” when I really didn’t.
I also say “I don’t know” when I very well DO know, or at least have a valuable perspective on the topic—this post definitely has me thinking about reframing it! And yes to a midweek post about things you’re reading, trying out, etc.