No 2. I shopped like my husband this week
Me and my husband are completely different shoppers. He pulls the trigger. I research spiral. But he's making me think about how personal style, confidence, and sustainability all meet.
This week, I did something I never do. I bought something brand new from a fast fashion brand on the spot for full price right then and there.
For the first real Big Brain blast - I want to share what happened this week and talk about making decisions on clothes. Cause I’m learning something from my husband that is making me think about confidence, personal style, and sustainability…
Different decision making planets
There’s that quippy phrase “buy nice or buy twice.” My husband’s phrase when it comes to clothes is “I like it, let’s get it. And let’s get the f*ck out of here!”
We come from two different decision making planets.
We have both been diagnosed with adhd so that makes our life and home probably different to other folks. But, after nearly a decade together we realize we are on either end of the neurodivergent spectrum in terms of how we actually live. Where he puts order and organization — I have zero executive function and vice versa. We’re a nice yin yang.
This also comes down to shopping for clothes.
This man will walk in to shops once every two years pick out 2 favorite things, walk out and wear those things on repeat until I can finally take him shopping again in another two years. He is the king of cost per wear and he doesn’t buy things he doesn’t like.
Okay, so lemme tell you what happened.
I’m currently in Singapore, where he grew up, and Singapore is 90% humidity, great food, and lots of shopping. I needed to stretch my legs and even though the botanical gardens here are amazing, I was craving some browsing and looking for more hot weather clothes. We’ve been traveling now for about 2 months and go back home in two days. Originally our plan was to be in Japan for quite some time so I packed clothes for 50 degree weather not 90 degrees. I needed something else to wear here.
So, I went in to the mall with the intention that I needed something for this warm weather that could work for casual work meetings and beyond. I was cycling through the same 5 pieces I’d brought thinking I’d be in Singapore for just a week.
There are tons of malls in Singapore, but some of the main ones operate on the following structure.
Top floors can be restaurants or salons and beauty
Main entrance floors are luxury brands from massive jewelry houses to classic LVMH brands
Below: mid teir brands like Zara, Mango, HM are right beneath
Bottom floors are food courts, smaller independent brands, drug stores, pharmacies, etc.
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Shopping here is unique. At 5’7’’ I find that I can be too tall for the Singaporean brands like editors market or any of the cool korean brands and without the budget of a gagillionaire I’m not grabbing a t-shirt from Prada especially with the markup (luxury prices tend to be a bit higher here).
So, I started with familiar global brands that would fit me.
First, I started at & Other Stories cause they had a big sale sign in their window.
That’s usually how I direct my shopping. SALES. I understand that most of the clothes in a mall are made by people poorly paid in many corners of the world from Bangladesh to Sri Lanka to China to Vietnam. I also don’t always expect that what I can afford is truly worth the initial price that these brands play us for. So I go to the sale section first and usually restrict myself there cause I know I can also go hunting for things second hand.
It’s in this cycle where shopping can become too much of a hyper focus going between what something is “worth” based on its fabric, manufacturing, if I can get it second hand, etc. All worthwhile questions, but it takes up a lot of big brain energy.
But, I couldn’t find anything there. So I walked into Maje (quality was bad), Mango (prices were kind of ridiculous), and then finally COS.
Mentally, I’ve wanted to be a COS girly but found that the silhouettes looked more trashbag shaped on me with my larger chest and less chic-ly shapeless, if you know what I mean.
I went straight to the sale section and looked around feeling frustrated cause most of it was filled with winter pieces and there is no way I’m putting wool on my body in Singapore.
Then, I had a thought about my husband. I had to leave within an hour to go to a meeting and I honestly needed to find something.
I told myself “Just for an experiment, be like your husband and go around this store and pick what you like and want to wear. Don’t worry about the price for a second, how many times you’ll wear it, what it’s made of, if somewhere else has a similar, but more affordable one. Just go based on style and instinct.”
So I did.
I grabbed a bunch of things that I just purely liked. It doesn’t sound revolutionary for many, but as someone who takes in all the information when I shop I will sometimes leave things I really like because I feel like the price tag is not worth the materials or brand and wait for a sale.
But, I was not feeling a pressure to buy, just ready to see if what my gut feeling had to say first. My arms were full of cool cropped button downs, one pieces, funky dresses, and all types of quirky COS vibes that scream gallery girl energy.
The last thing I grabbed was this cool lineny black vest with two ties.
I got into the dressing room trying on everything else, but it didn’t give me the full body yes, which is a decision making feeling I’m trying to really inhabit. The idea that if it’s not a hell yeah it’s a hell no. I don’t think we all get a full body hell yea feeling usually from a t-shirt — but I’m of the faith that we should.
It was about $200 SGD which is about $150 USD which is more expensive than the US cause it was imported. That was the first ping to my brain to put it back. I can afford it - but is it worth it, I thought.
It was a linen & viscose (not too bad), but it still fast fashion and maybe I could find a similar vintage inspo. That was my second thought.
But I put it on and felt like me. A cooler version of me and I felt that full body hell yes. I immediately saw 10 different outfits in my head and was like I could wear this vest with everything. All of my analytical thoughts on cost analysis and the brand and COS being owned by the H&M group ran through my head and knowing that I wasn’t only not getting a deal, but actually paying a mark up I almost put it back.
But then I tried to think like my husband. If I were him and this was the one time a year that I shop would I grab it and wear it and love it. I realized in that moment that my husband doesn’t shop with “sustainability” in mind, but he also doesn’t consume much. He consumes what he absolutely loves and feels good to him. He shops based on his confidence and repeats that feeling daily.
You think about this idea of uniforms and Steve Jobs wearing the same thing everyday to combat decision fatigue. But I think for most of us we need to connect with something deeper than reducing decision fatigue by limiting our choices.
I think it’s about how we feel about yourselves. I think it’s about making a decision to assert your vibe — an act of asserting yourself in a world constantly telling you what you need and need to do.
I realized in that moment that what my husband has when he shops is confidence. Confidence in knowing what feels comfortable him. When we first started dating he used to wear these leather joggers, black timberlands, black t-shirt, earring! He was a vibe! It’s definitely changed over the last 10 years, but he’s always asserted what works for him. He’s asserted himself in the world to the point where you’ll probably never see him in a standard suit cause that’s just not him. And I love that he knows himself.
Me on the other hand, I’m moving towards that feeling and it’s been a huge part of navigating my healing journey while being tired in late stage capitalism. It’s the part where you’re feeling swallowed by the experience of life and have no brain cells, but you still want to feel good and confident when you walk out your door. It’s part of choosing a holy grail - a way of asserting my vibe, my choice, my values over my life instead of being swayed by everything and everyone else. It’s personal style in the biggest sense.
But as I brought that vest to the checkout realizing confidently that I would wear the sh*t out of it all spring, summer, fall, for years - I realized that it was also the most sustainable choice for me.
“Sustainability” can be a controversial term
There is so much content out there around “sustainability” from brands to every day content creators and influencers trying to help each of us make a good decision. Don’t shop fast fashion cause of xyz. Make sure that your clothes are made of abcd. Watch out for this thing because it can cause x. It’s exhausting and hard.
Rightfully so, there is a conversation in the sustainability space around access to “sustainably made” products from economic barriers to a lack of size inclusivity and more. (We can save all those debates to unravel later). I have even changed my second hand shopping habits from less of a haul to more of a selection with the idea that its possible to over consume secondhand. Yes, we’re taking clothes out of the cycle of consumption but also I don’t need to take what someone else will wear more and maybe prevent them from needing to buy new.
And that is where my guides right now are simple:
buy what I can afford
buy secondhand if possible
buy what I love because if I’m going to use it a lot then that’s the most sustainable option available for me
#3 is where I’m really learning from my husband. Mr. Outfit Repeater is also Mr. Confident in his Vibe. I got that vest cause I know that I’m going to love it so much it will have a long wonderful life and it will be what I desire to wear instead of desiring to get more.
So far, I’ve worn it every other day here in Singapore. I only gave it a break cause I felt like my other clothes were being neglected.
So many people can comment on personal style further than me, but that Marie Kondo joy, full body yes, sense of knowing is a way of asserting ourselves in the world and to ourselves.
Decision fatigue comes when you’re treading water in too many opinions and options. But desiring to be sustainable, being tired, personal style, and conscious consumerism really all interlink when we love what we love and we wear what we love. Given how fraught “sustainability” can be - it’s a feasible route that can be available to us all within our budget.
What about you? Do you struggle the same way? Do you know your vibe so intimately that you know exactly what a full body yes feels like? I would love to hear your thoughts!
xx Bailey
I definitely struggle in the same way, trying to make the *best decision* every time I purchase something. It grew out of my desire to be a conscious consumer and make the most ethical and sustainable consumer. But ultimately I’ve realized I just need to consume way less and what I do buy new (or secondhand) must be absolute loves. It’s taking the guilt away for me (because sadly I do have a lot of consumption guilt), and that’s liberating in so many ways. Loved the read and love the vest even more!!
I take a similar approach to shopping, especially since I subscribed to over consumption for years! Trying to find the balance and this was so helpful!